It has been raining for days. It is cold outside, the kind of cold that chills you to the bones. My head feels like it is going to explode from the pressure in my sinuses. My throat is scratchy because of my draining sinuses. I woke up late. I was going to just pull the covers over my head and pretend like I don't see that it is day, but I felt guilty because I know how much Kaileigh LOVES the "fish church". We rushed to get dressed, put a snack in a bag and now we are on our way to church. Sound familiar?
Just the kind of day that I would call anything BUT beautiful. I know we are already late and I don't mean getting there as the music starts late I mean getting there as the sermon starts late. I am focused on driving as fast as I can and try to make up some time and all of a sudden from the back seat I hear a small sweet voice say "It is such a beautiful day." My response? "No, it is rainy." Again she says "It is such a beautiful day." I again respond "No, it is cold." The small sweet voice responds patiently "Mommy, it is raining and it is cold, but it is still a beautiful day."
That was the end of our conversation about the beautiful day. What more could I say? She was right regardless of what the circumstances are on the outside we have a choice to make it a beautiful day. After all I have that small sweet voice to remind me of the little things. I might have felt terrible when I woke up, but I still woke up. We might be late to church, but at least we are free to attend a church where we are loved and nurtured and pressed to grow closer to God. It may be cold and rainy, but it is still a beautiful day.
What about you? What are your "beautiful day" circumstances?
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
A four letter word
Out of the mouths of babes!
My daughter loves Blue Ridge Community Church. She calls it the fish church because of the big aquarium outside of the children's area. So Sunday we went to church, much like any other Sunday. We had struggled to get there in time, but somehow made it. I took her into her class and then went on in to the Big Room (sanctuary). A normal everyday Sunday. After the service was over I gathered my belongings and went to go get her from her class.
Apparently they had learned the concept that "God wants us to obey" because after I got her she proceeded to run through the atrium screaming "God wants us to obey" as loud as she could over and over. Outside of drawing lots of stares and a few laughs I thought "yes, finally something I can use to help drive that lesson home. The fish church has done it again!" You see this is something that I have been working very hard on getting her to learn. Life is so much easier if you listen to mommy and do what you are told--the first time.
This morning I was trying to get her to put her shoes on. Well, to be more exact shoes that I knew fit her even though they weren't the shoes she wanted to wear. I reasoned with her, I pleaded with her, I threatened her then it dawned on me..."God wants us to obey" this was what she learned at her beloved fish church just yesterday! I asked her what she learned at church, what does God want us to do? She sighed and said "but mommy, I don't want to obey."
Instantly, I was convicted! Out of the mouths of babes truer words have never been said. It doesn't matter if you are 3 or almost 33. The truth is that God does want us to obey. He has something far better in mind for us. He is trying to protect us, but in our limited wisdom we sigh and say "but I don't want to obey!"
My daughter loves Blue Ridge Community Church. She calls it the fish church because of the big aquarium outside of the children's area. So Sunday we went to church, much like any other Sunday. We had struggled to get there in time, but somehow made it. I took her into her class and then went on in to the Big Room (sanctuary). A normal everyday Sunday. After the service was over I gathered my belongings and went to go get her from her class.
Apparently they had learned the concept that "God wants us to obey" because after I got her she proceeded to run through the atrium screaming "God wants us to obey" as loud as she could over and over. Outside of drawing lots of stares and a few laughs I thought "yes, finally something I can use to help drive that lesson home. The fish church has done it again!" You see this is something that I have been working very hard on getting her to learn. Life is so much easier if you listen to mommy and do what you are told--the first time.
This morning I was trying to get her to put her shoes on. Well, to be more exact shoes that I knew fit her even though they weren't the shoes she wanted to wear. I reasoned with her, I pleaded with her, I threatened her then it dawned on me..."God wants us to obey" this was what she learned at her beloved fish church just yesterday! I asked her what she learned at church, what does God want us to do? She sighed and said "but mommy, I don't want to obey."
Instantly, I was convicted! Out of the mouths of babes truer words have never been said. It doesn't matter if you are 3 or almost 33. The truth is that God does want us to obey. He has something far better in mind for us. He is trying to protect us, but in our limited wisdom we sigh and say "but I don't want to obey!"
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Seven Pounds--SPOILER ALERT
It has been a while since I have left a movie and sat in the parking lot sobbing before I could drive home, but that is exactly what happened tonight. I decided I would treat myself to a movie at the "real" theater, meaning not the dollar theater. I had seen the previews for Seven Pounds and it looked really good. Add to that the fact that I love Will Smith and you have a great reason to watch what promised to be a great movie.
Don't get me wrong, it was a great movie that kept you on the edge of your seat trying to figure out what Smith's character was up to. You know he is falling in love with a girl that is dying waiting for a heart transplant. His brother is tracking him down and while you aren't completely sure why you know he is not happy with Smith and he is worried about him. Smith and a friend have made a deal, but you have no idea what they are up to other than knowing it is not good--possibly illegal.
The problem with the movie is that it opens up with Smith's character calling 911, asking for an ambulance, and reporting his suicide. This may not be a problem for some people, but for me it was an instant red flag. You see, in 2004 I had a very close friend commit suicide. The movie immediately flashes back and sends you into a tailspin following the life of Smith's character. For me the hardest part of this movie was the idea that in the wake of such a selfish act he was so selfless. In Smith's death, many others live and thrive because of him.
Suicide is a completely selfish act, and having been close to commiting suicide myself I can both understand the absolute desolation and the shear pain that is felt on both sides of the suicide. However, this movie paints a different picture of suicide. I am by no means glorifying suicide because each of the people that Smith touches feels tremendous pain in his death, but it certainly gives a different perspective.
I saw many similarities in this movie and my friend's life. I sobbed because I was touched by the movie, I sobbed for the tremendous loss, but mostly I sobbed because I miss Jeff terribly. My life was changed because I knew him. My life has changed because I no longer have him.
Don't get me wrong, it was a great movie that kept you on the edge of your seat trying to figure out what Smith's character was up to. You know he is falling in love with a girl that is dying waiting for a heart transplant. His brother is tracking him down and while you aren't completely sure why you know he is not happy with Smith and he is worried about him. Smith and a friend have made a deal, but you have no idea what they are up to other than knowing it is not good--possibly illegal.
The problem with the movie is that it opens up with Smith's character calling 911, asking for an ambulance, and reporting his suicide. This may not be a problem for some people, but for me it was an instant red flag. You see, in 2004 I had a very close friend commit suicide. The movie immediately flashes back and sends you into a tailspin following the life of Smith's character. For me the hardest part of this movie was the idea that in the wake of such a selfish act he was so selfless. In Smith's death, many others live and thrive because of him.
Suicide is a completely selfish act, and having been close to commiting suicide myself I can both understand the absolute desolation and the shear pain that is felt on both sides of the suicide. However, this movie paints a different picture of suicide. I am by no means glorifying suicide because each of the people that Smith touches feels tremendous pain in his death, but it certainly gives a different perspective.
I saw many similarities in this movie and my friend's life. I sobbed because I was touched by the movie, I sobbed for the tremendous loss, but mostly I sobbed because I miss Jeff terribly. My life was changed because I knew him. My life has changed because I no longer have him.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Impact List
Last week I was sitting at church in the First Wednesday service listening to Jeremy talk and trying not to fret over my precious angel that was using the empty section next to me as her personal play space. He was talking about all the ways that we can serve and be connected to God at Christmas and not get caught up in the busyness of the holiday season. One of the things he was talking about was a personal Impact List. That is a list of all the people that we would come in contact with over the holidays that we knew needed a personal relationship with Christ.
As I sat there I began to think, "Who is in my circle that needs a personal relationship with Christ?" I became convicted by the idea that I really didn't have any relationships with non-believers. I work in a Christian university, not that I am naive to think that because it is Christian everyone there is a Christian. The majority of my friends attend church somewhere, most of them were seated around me. I don't see my family and the majority of them are believers anyway.
As I sat and stared at my blank piece of paper only one name came to mind. The name of someone I am just getting to meet. The name of someone I had a long conversation with the day before about this very thing. The name of a friend's soon-to-be-ex-wife. As I sat there and prayed that God would give me the names of people that I could have an impact on the only name I could think of was this name. I began to argue with God and tell Him that there must be others that I could develop a relationship with. There must be others that I could impact. Others that weren't so controversial, someone else that I didn't stand to lose so much for. But instead of giving me other names He just kept saying this name over and over again, louder and louder.
I am waiting on the "perfect" opportunity to approach her, the "right" words to say, the friendship to grow "stronger". At least that is what I am telling myself, maybe I am just waiting. Wondering why God puts the "difficult" people in our paths to impact. Wondering what it is going to take for me to make the move.
As I sat there I began to think, "Who is in my circle that needs a personal relationship with Christ?" I became convicted by the idea that I really didn't have any relationships with non-believers. I work in a Christian university, not that I am naive to think that because it is Christian everyone there is a Christian. The majority of my friends attend church somewhere, most of them were seated around me. I don't see my family and the majority of them are believers anyway.
As I sat and stared at my blank piece of paper only one name came to mind. The name of someone I am just getting to meet. The name of someone I had a long conversation with the day before about this very thing. The name of a friend's soon-to-be-ex-wife. As I sat there and prayed that God would give me the names of people that I could have an impact on the only name I could think of was this name. I began to argue with God and tell Him that there must be others that I could develop a relationship with. There must be others that I could impact. Others that weren't so controversial, someone else that I didn't stand to lose so much for. But instead of giving me other names He just kept saying this name over and over again, louder and louder.
I am waiting on the "perfect" opportunity to approach her, the "right" words to say, the friendship to grow "stronger". At least that is what I am telling myself, maybe I am just waiting. Wondering why God puts the "difficult" people in our paths to impact. Wondering what it is going to take for me to make the move.
12 Days of Christmas
Yes, even Scrooge's like me can be touched by Christmas.
I was sitting in my office this morning when one of the Building Services crew members asked me if I knew why there were 12 days of Christmas. I wasn't sure but I knew it had something to do with Christmas and Epiphany. I went to everyone's faithful go-to friend Google and searched "why 12 days of Christmas", clicked on the first link I saw and opened a page giving a detailed description of religious calendars and the time span between Christmas and Epiphany. Following the detailed description there was the lyrics of the song and the supposed meanings behind each of the verses. I have included that here:
On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me... A Partridge in a Pear Tree
The partridge in a pear tree is Jesus the Christ, the Son of God, whose birthday we celebrate on December 25, the first day of Christmas. In the song, Christ is symbolically presented as a mother partridge that feigns injury to decoy predators from her helpless nestlings, recalling the expression of Christ's sadness over the fate of Jerusalem: "Jerusalem! Jerusalem! How often would I have sheltered you under my wings, as a hen does her chicks, but you would not have it so . . . ." (Luke 13:34)
On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Two Turtle Doves
The Old and New Testaments, which together bear witness to God's self-revelation in history and the creation of a people to tell the Story of God to the world.
On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Three French Hens
The Three Theological Virtues: 1) Faith, 2) Hope, and 3) Love (1 Corinthians 13:13)
On the 4th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Four Calling Birds
The Four Gospels: 1) Matthew, 2) Mark, 3) Luke, and 4) John, which proclaim the Good News of God's reconciliation of the world to Himself in Jesus Christ.
On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Five Gold Rings
The first Five Books of the Old Testament, known as the Torah or the Pentateuch: 1) Genesis, 2) Exodus, 3) Leviticus, 4) Numbers, and 5) Deuteronomy, which gives the history of humanity's sinful failure and God's response of grace in the creation of a people to be a light to the world.
On the 6th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Six Geese A-laying
The six days of creation that confesses God as Creator and Sustainer of the world (Genesis 1).
On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Seven Swans A-swimming
The seven gifts of the Holy Spirit: 1) prophecy, 2) ministry, 3) teaching, 4) exhortation, 5) giving, 6) leading, and 7) compassion (Romans 12:6-8; cf. 1 Corinthians 12:8-11)
On the 8th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Eight Maids A-milking
The eight Beatitudes: 1) Blessed are the poor in spirit, 2) those who mourn, 3) the meek, 4) those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, 5) the merciful, 6) the pure in heart, 7) the peacemakers, 8) those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake. (Matthew 5:3-10)
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Nine Ladies Dancing
The nine Fruit of the Holy Spirit: 1) love, 2) joy, 3) peace, 4) patience, 5) kindness,6) generosity, 7) faithfulness, 8) gentleness, and 9) self-control. (Galatians 5:22)
On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Ten Lords A-leaping
The ten commandments: 1) You shall have no other gods before me; 2) Do not make an idol; 3) Do not take God's name in vain; 4) Remember the Sabbath Day; 5) Honor your father and mother; 6) Do not murder; 7) Do not commit adultery; 8) Do not steal; 9) Do not bear false witness; 10) Do not covet. (Exodus 20:1-17)
On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Eleven Pipers Piping
The eleven Faithful Apostles: 1) Simon Peter, 2) Andrew, 3) James, 4) John, 5) Philip, 6) Bartholomew, 7) Matthew, 8) Thomas, 9) James bar Alphaeus, 10) Simon the Zealot, 11) Judas bar James. (Luke 6:14-16). The list does not include the twelfth disciple, Judas Iscariot who betrayed Jesus to the religious leaders and the Romans.
On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Twelve Drummers Drumming
The twelve points of doctrine in the Apostles' Creed: 1) I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth. 2) I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord. 3) He was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit and born of the virgin Mary. 4) He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried. He descended into hell [the grave]. 5) On the third day he rose again. He ascended into heaven, and is seated at the right hand of the Father. 6) He will come again to judge the living and the dead. 7) I believe in the Holy Spirit, 8) the holy catholic Church, 9) the communion of saints, 10) the forgiveness of sins, 11) the resurrection of the body, 12) and life everlasting.
I pray that as you hear this song sung for the thousandth time this year that you reflect on the meaning of each of the verses and remember that Christmas is not about Santa, presents, and food it is about the One "true love" who came to die for us all.
I was sitting in my office this morning when one of the Building Services crew members asked me if I knew why there were 12 days of Christmas. I wasn't sure but I knew it had something to do with Christmas and Epiphany. I went to everyone's faithful go-to friend Google and searched "why 12 days of Christmas", clicked on the first link I saw and opened a page giving a detailed description of religious calendars and the time span between Christmas and Epiphany. Following the detailed description there was the lyrics of the song and the supposed meanings behind each of the verses. I have included that here:
On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me... A Partridge in a Pear Tree
The partridge in a pear tree is Jesus the Christ, the Son of God, whose birthday we celebrate on December 25, the first day of Christmas. In the song, Christ is symbolically presented as a mother partridge that feigns injury to decoy predators from her helpless nestlings, recalling the expression of Christ's sadness over the fate of Jerusalem: "Jerusalem! Jerusalem! How often would I have sheltered you under my wings, as a hen does her chicks, but you would not have it so . . . ." (Luke 13:34)
On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Two Turtle Doves
The Old and New Testaments, which together bear witness to God's self-revelation in history and the creation of a people to tell the Story of God to the world.
On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Three French Hens
The Three Theological Virtues: 1) Faith, 2) Hope, and 3) Love (1 Corinthians 13:13)
On the 4th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Four Calling Birds
The Four Gospels: 1) Matthew, 2) Mark, 3) Luke, and 4) John, which proclaim the Good News of God's reconciliation of the world to Himself in Jesus Christ.
On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Five Gold Rings
The first Five Books of the Old Testament, known as the Torah or the Pentateuch: 1) Genesis, 2) Exodus, 3) Leviticus, 4) Numbers, and 5) Deuteronomy, which gives the history of humanity's sinful failure and God's response of grace in the creation of a people to be a light to the world.
On the 6th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Six Geese A-laying
The six days of creation that confesses God as Creator and Sustainer of the world (Genesis 1).
On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Seven Swans A-swimming
The seven gifts of the Holy Spirit: 1) prophecy, 2) ministry, 3) teaching, 4) exhortation, 5) giving, 6) leading, and 7) compassion (Romans 12:6-8; cf. 1 Corinthians 12:8-11)
On the 8th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Eight Maids A-milking
The eight Beatitudes: 1) Blessed are the poor in spirit, 2) those who mourn, 3) the meek, 4) those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, 5) the merciful, 6) the pure in heart, 7) the peacemakers, 8) those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake. (Matthew 5:3-10)
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Nine Ladies Dancing
The nine Fruit of the Holy Spirit: 1) love, 2) joy, 3) peace, 4) patience, 5) kindness,6) generosity, 7) faithfulness, 8) gentleness, and 9) self-control. (Galatians 5:22)
On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Ten Lords A-leaping
The ten commandments: 1) You shall have no other gods before me; 2) Do not make an idol; 3) Do not take God's name in vain; 4) Remember the Sabbath Day; 5) Honor your father and mother; 6) Do not murder; 7) Do not commit adultery; 8) Do not steal; 9) Do not bear false witness; 10) Do not covet. (Exodus 20:1-17)
On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Eleven Pipers Piping
The eleven Faithful Apostles: 1) Simon Peter, 2) Andrew, 3) James, 4) John, 5) Philip, 6) Bartholomew, 7) Matthew, 8) Thomas, 9) James bar Alphaeus, 10) Simon the Zealot, 11) Judas bar James. (Luke 6:14-16). The list does not include the twelfth disciple, Judas Iscariot who betrayed Jesus to the religious leaders and the Romans.
On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... Twelve Drummers Drumming
The twelve points of doctrine in the Apostles' Creed: 1) I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth. 2) I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord. 3) He was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit and born of the virgin Mary. 4) He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried. He descended into hell [the grave]. 5) On the third day he rose again. He ascended into heaven, and is seated at the right hand of the Father. 6) He will come again to judge the living and the dead. 7) I believe in the Holy Spirit, 8) the holy catholic Church, 9) the communion of saints, 10) the forgiveness of sins, 11) the resurrection of the body, 12) and life everlasting.
I pray that as you hear this song sung for the thousandth time this year that you reflect on the meaning of each of the verses and remember that Christmas is not about Santa, presents, and food it is about the One "true love" who came to die for us all.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Confident of God's Presence pt2
I wanted to write a continuation of my original post "Confident of God's Abscence".
The night I wrote it I met with two friends who were called in on a "rescue mission". I would like to say that after talking with them I was confident of God's presence, but even after several hours that is not how the story goes. The next night I began reading Angela Thomas' new book My Single Mom Life in the beginning of the book she spends an entire chapter talking about exactly what I was feeling. My Divorce Care group was doing the chapter on forgiveness and the next chapter was reconciliation, but through all of this I still could not feel God. I felt as if I was enclosed in a glass coffin. I could see God on the other side of the glass, but regardless of how much I tried to reach out to God he kept running farther away from me. I felt ridiculed.
One of my closest friends, and one of the two that met with me on the first night talked to me daily about this struggle I was having. I knew he was praying and I knew he was getting frustrated with me because I just could not see it. Josh wrote me an email that week discussing three parables the lost sheep, the lost coin and the prodigal son. In the first two parables those who had lost something went looking for it, but in the last parable the father did not go looking. Instead he sat waiting for the glorious day that the son would return. The decision had to be the son's. The son had to return home in order to reap the benefits that the father was waiting to bestow. I would like to say that at this point I went running home to the Father, but that is not the case.
The next Sunday was baptism Sunday at Blue Ridge Community Church, let me pause here if you have never been to a baptism at BRCC you have missed a taste of heaven! I sat with Josh through the service, through the testimonies, through the lives that have been changed by God's unfailing love and I became more and more angry. I thought if God really did love me then why didn't he touch me the way he had touched them? Why wouldn't he let me catch Him or be caught by Him? The service ended with Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) by Chris Tomlin. I love this song and yet I could not sing it. I didn't feel set free. I felt entrapped, bound by chains that were not loosening they were tightening! Josh looked at me after the service had ended and asked what I thought. I asked if I could be honest and told him I was "pissed". He walked away and left me to my unbelief.
I had a job to be done (for church) so I went to complete my assignment. The team leader came to ask how things were going and all I could say was "I'm struggling". She asked for clarification, and again I said "I am struggling." She took me to another room so we could "pray" (that was the last thing I wanted to do), put her arms around me and I began to weep. At this point she told me "no, we aren't going to pray." I was relieved. "We are going to go find Peggy!" Fear and frustration struck me. I had never met this Peggy person, but I had heard stories and I had had three different people under different situations tell me that I needed to talk to her. So Shea drug me around the building looking for this Peggy person.
We found Peggy deep in conversation with another woman. So we sat and waited. After a few minutes, Shea called out to Peggy and told her we were waiting for her. My irritation grew.
When Peggy was able to excuse herself she came over got a quick run down, and I do mean quick! She began by telling me that she believed I was a "believer"--I knew all about God, but I wasn't a Child of God. She kept saying this over and over again. Finally! Something made sense!!!
Not to lessen the impact of the outcome, but we prayed and I became a Child of God. At that moment, while Peggy was holding my trembling body I felt the glass shatter and I felt a vacuum sucking me into God's arms. At that moment I could not be more sure of God's presence and love for me.
The night I wrote it I met with two friends who were called in on a "rescue mission". I would like to say that after talking with them I was confident of God's presence, but even after several hours that is not how the story goes. The next night I began reading Angela Thomas' new book My Single Mom Life in the beginning of the book she spends an entire chapter talking about exactly what I was feeling. My Divorce Care group was doing the chapter on forgiveness and the next chapter was reconciliation, but through all of this I still could not feel God. I felt as if I was enclosed in a glass coffin. I could see God on the other side of the glass, but regardless of how much I tried to reach out to God he kept running farther away from me. I felt ridiculed.
One of my closest friends, and one of the two that met with me on the first night talked to me daily about this struggle I was having. I knew he was praying and I knew he was getting frustrated with me because I just could not see it. Josh wrote me an email that week discussing three parables the lost sheep, the lost coin and the prodigal son. In the first two parables those who had lost something went looking for it, but in the last parable the father did not go looking. Instead he sat waiting for the glorious day that the son would return. The decision had to be the son's. The son had to return home in order to reap the benefits that the father was waiting to bestow. I would like to say that at this point I went running home to the Father, but that is not the case.
The next Sunday was baptism Sunday at Blue Ridge Community Church, let me pause here if you have never been to a baptism at BRCC you have missed a taste of heaven! I sat with Josh through the service, through the testimonies, through the lives that have been changed by God's unfailing love and I became more and more angry. I thought if God really did love me then why didn't he touch me the way he had touched them? Why wouldn't he let me catch Him or be caught by Him? The service ended with Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) by Chris Tomlin. I love this song and yet I could not sing it. I didn't feel set free. I felt entrapped, bound by chains that were not loosening they were tightening! Josh looked at me after the service had ended and asked what I thought. I asked if I could be honest and told him I was "pissed". He walked away and left me to my unbelief.
I had a job to be done (for church) so I went to complete my assignment. The team leader came to ask how things were going and all I could say was "I'm struggling". She asked for clarification, and again I said "I am struggling." She took me to another room so we could "pray" (that was the last thing I wanted to do), put her arms around me and I began to weep. At this point she told me "no, we aren't going to pray." I was relieved. "We are going to go find Peggy!" Fear and frustration struck me. I had never met this Peggy person, but I had heard stories and I had had three different people under different situations tell me that I needed to talk to her. So Shea drug me around the building looking for this Peggy person.
We found Peggy deep in conversation with another woman. So we sat and waited. After a few minutes, Shea called out to Peggy and told her we were waiting for her. My irritation grew.
When Peggy was able to excuse herself she came over got a quick run down, and I do mean quick! She began by telling me that she believed I was a "believer"--I knew all about God, but I wasn't a Child of God. She kept saying this over and over again. Finally! Something made sense!!!
Not to lessen the impact of the outcome, but we prayed and I became a Child of God. At that moment, while Peggy was holding my trembling body I felt the glass shatter and I felt a vacuum sucking me into God's arms. At that moment I could not be more sure of God's presence and love for me.
Confident of God's Abscence pt1
This was written November 9, 2008
Ok so I have a question…if the answer to life’s problems is “What would someone in my position do if they were absolutely confident that God is with them?” what happens if you don’t know you are absolutely confident that God is with you? Don’t get me wrong I am a believer not because I grew up in church but because I know that I have asked God into my heart and mind. But where is He? They say that if you are a believer that God is with you, but where is he? I want to feel him, I want to know him but where is he? I have felt the presence of God at times in my life, mostly a grave emptiness, a knowledge that there is nothing, that I am nothing, a whisper “you are nothing” then a filling after the emptiness. This harrowing experience followed by a long period of nothing, no fear, no happiness, no feeling.
I am angered by this. I want something. I don’t want that terrifying emptiness, but I don’t want the numbness either. I want to feel God’s power, the kind of power that “super-Christians” talk about. The knowledge that God is ever present guiding them through their lives, leading them every step of their way. I am further angered because I don’t know how to get this. Reading the Bible is just reading words on a page. Prayer?—talking to an absence.
I am a believer. I know God is real, that he sent his son to die for my sins, and I know that I have accepted Him, but what now? I am so tired of nothingness, of emptiness. I want desperately to be loved, to be touched, to be lifted by his never-ending love. I want to feel a relationship with God. I want to cry out and be heard. I want His words to be real to be living to be everything that “super-Christians” say it is. I want my prayers to be heard, to know that he is listening to me, to know that he cares. But how do I get there? Yes, if the answer to life’s problems is doing what someone who is absolutely confident that God is with them would do, what do you do when you are almost positive that God is not with you?
Ok so I have a question…if the answer to life’s problems is “What would someone in my position do if they were absolutely confident that God is with them?” what happens if you don’t know you are absolutely confident that God is with you? Don’t get me wrong I am a believer not because I grew up in church but because I know that I have asked God into my heart and mind. But where is He? They say that if you are a believer that God is with you, but where is he? I want to feel him, I want to know him but where is he? I have felt the presence of God at times in my life, mostly a grave emptiness, a knowledge that there is nothing, that I am nothing, a whisper “you are nothing” then a filling after the emptiness. This harrowing experience followed by a long period of nothing, no fear, no happiness, no feeling.
I am angered by this. I want something. I don’t want that terrifying emptiness, but I don’t want the numbness either. I want to feel God’s power, the kind of power that “super-Christians” talk about. The knowledge that God is ever present guiding them through their lives, leading them every step of their way. I am further angered because I don’t know how to get this. Reading the Bible is just reading words on a page. Prayer?—talking to an absence.
I am a believer. I know God is real, that he sent his son to die for my sins, and I know that I have accepted Him, but what now? I am so tired of nothingness, of emptiness. I want desperately to be loved, to be touched, to be lifted by his never-ending love. I want to feel a relationship with God. I want to cry out and be heard. I want His words to be real to be living to be everything that “super-Christians” say it is. I want my prayers to be heard, to know that he is listening to me, to know that he cares. But how do I get there? Yes, if the answer to life’s problems is doing what someone who is absolutely confident that God is with them would do, what do you do when you are almost positive that God is not with you?
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