This was written November 9, 2008
Ok so I have a question…if the answer to life’s problems is “What would someone in my position do if they were absolutely confident that God is with them?” what happens if you don’t know you are absolutely confident that God is with you? Don’t get me wrong I am a believer not because I grew up in church but because I know that I have asked God into my heart and mind. But where is He? They say that if you are a believer that God is with you, but where is he? I want to feel him, I want to know him but where is he? I have felt the presence of God at times in my life, mostly a grave emptiness, a knowledge that there is nothing, that I am nothing, a whisper “you are nothing” then a filling after the emptiness. This harrowing experience followed by a long period of nothing, no fear, no happiness, no feeling.
I am angered by this. I want something. I don’t want that terrifying emptiness, but I don’t want the numbness either. I want to feel God’s power, the kind of power that “super-Christians” talk about. The knowledge that God is ever present guiding them through their lives, leading them every step of their way. I am further angered because I don’t know how to get this. Reading the Bible is just reading words on a page. Prayer?—talking to an absence.
I am a believer. I know God is real, that he sent his son to die for my sins, and I know that I have accepted Him, but what now? I am so tired of nothingness, of emptiness. I want desperately to be loved, to be touched, to be lifted by his never-ending love. I want to feel a relationship with God. I want to cry out and be heard. I want His words to be real to be living to be everything that “super-Christians” say it is. I want my prayers to be heard, to know that he is listening to me, to know that he cares. But how do I get there? Yes, if the answer to life’s problems is doing what someone who is absolutely confident that God is with them would do, what do you do when you are almost positive that God is not with you?
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